Sorry August, but someone has to rank No. 12 on the American almanac.
The first full calendar month of NFL training camp is the Cleveland Browns among its peers. Between mainstream holidays and other marquee occasions, it is lucky to finish higher than last in a given year.
As unfair as it is, the eighth month is always behind the eight ball. Its insufferable weather, at least in this hemisphere, stands out for its timing and dearth of distracting trimmings.
In the U.S., August needs outside help to set itself apart for the better. That reinforcement tends to apply worldwide, and is little beyond quadrennial athletic tournaments or randomly falling phenomena.
After savoring the 2016 Olympics and 2017’s Great American Eclipse, August stands for rock bottom in 2018. The long, hot abyss between summer’s peak and mass resumptions of school, sports and television seasons will go winless.
To be fair, that does not mean it will aggregate zero points across 31 days. Resourceful individuals, families and friend groups can creatively kill the time.
Moreover, per timeanddate.com, August 2018 will have 13 holidays of note. But those consist of three minor (and sometimes movable) religious holidays, five state-specific occasions and five observances your conventional kitchen calendar will not mention.
The last of that baker’s dozen is Lyndon Baines Johnson Day. Every Aug. 27, the 36th U.S. president’s native Texas acknowledges his birth anniversary. No signs point to the day going national like February’s joint celebration of titanic twosome George Washington and Abe Lincoln.
Among mainstream national holidays, the best August can do is ride September’s coattails. It will barely do so this year, with its Aug. 31 being the Friday of Labor Day weekend.
Come what may, the title occasion always belongs to the ninth month, falling between Days 1 and 7. Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are soon to follow. By then, autumn is at least expected to commence in earnest, and October is otherwise a straightforward 31-day buildup to Halloween.
With November dawning on the other side, Veterans’ Day is invariably 11 sleeps away. Then Thanksgiving marks the start of a multi-culture coincidence of festivities, climaxing Dec. 31.
New Year’s and MLK Day are your perennial fixtures for the first page of the American almanac. February, August’s polar opposite, crams Groundhog, Valentine’s/Singles Appreciation and Presidents’ Day into its peerlessly lean 28-day frame.
That is unless said frame is 29 days on account of Leap Day. What we distinguish as a presidential election year or Summer Olympic year is a leap year in winter lexicon.
March always has St. Patrick’s Day, and maybe Passover and Easter. The latter two are otherwise in April, which has Earth Day to itself. The likes of Mother’s Day and Memorial Day round out spring before Flag Day and Father’s Day bridge us to the summer solstice.
You may not alternatively dub Flag Day the Fourteenth of June, but Independence Day flaunts its immovable date. When retailers are done milking the Fourth of July, they turn to summer clearance and back-to-school sales.
Or they might threaten to spoil some people’s December appetite via Christmas in July. While that reflects poorly on the seventh month’s offerings, it still has the upper hand on August. This is when barbecues, beach outings, baseball games and generally balmy days have not exhausted their appeal.
July is also when wintertime sports enjoy their highest volume and value of offseason news. It is when network TV reruns from the past season are not quite tedious. And it is when no sensible school districts end one academic year or start another.
With nothing of note to call its own, August takes the table scraps. That only does so much to alleviate wishes for more of the immediate past or nagging craving for fall. People want new and meaningful engagements, entertainment and sports, and this 31-day block leaves the most to desire.
By now the general American’s best bet for downtime is a couple of hours in an air-conditioned theater, soaking in a summer blockbuster. Or better yet, kicking back with a good read in an air-conditioned residence, hotel or library (remember those?).
Bless the written word. If August is good for anything, it is yielding extra time for good, old-fashioned leisurely literature consumption.
While even that is good year-round, one should enjoy its comparatively sweeter while one can. Some forms of reading will soon become a chore for all of the kids again. Just try not to think about it too much.
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