After immersing myself in the rapid-fire banter on Twitter during the presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, I felt an inclination to chime in on the whole charade over on Facebook. Facebook’s become the slow lane of social media websites (is apps the more appropriate term in 2016?).
As I stared at the gray font asking, “What’s on your mind?” I began to contemplate a scenario in which America’s favorite combustible, racist truthophobe invented Facebook’s direct predecessor, Myspace.
Without further ado, here’s how I imagine The Donald’s 1-on-1 with Lester Holt playing out in the late 2000s:
HOLT: “Mr. Trump, we’re seeing a seismic shift among social media users. How do you explain what’s happening to your website?”
TRUMP: “We’re losing all of our friends to other websites. Like Facebook. Really great friends. Top friends. I’ve got lots of friends on here. Tremendous, tremendous people. We need to stop them from leaving. We need to bring them back.”
HOLT: “How do you plan to do so?”
TRUMP: “Let me just go back to crooked Zuckerberg. This man doesn’t have the stamina to run a social media website. I had some really, really hurtful things to say about Mark and his little Harvard buddies, but I won’t because I’m a nice guy.”
HOLT: “Mr. Trump, how do you keep your site’s membership base from…”
TRUMP: “Mark Zuckerberg might have a lot of college experience, but it’s bad experience. It’s bad. He was too busy over-preparing for classes to know what was going on in the real world.”
HOLT: “And that’s your area of expertise?”
TRUMP: “Lester, you don’t make $694 million in annual income without being an expert. I’ve got some serious, serious expertise. And I’ve got taste. You should see my page’s playlist. It. Is. Hip. Really hip. I was in Detroit recently, Philadelphia, Oakland. The black community has really embraced Kanye West’s role as the token black guy on my playlist. We’ve formed a real bond, uh, recently. I was talking to one black guy and you know that song, that song Kanye does with those robot characters? I said to this black guy, he came up to me and asked me how I’m going to fix my website.
“I said whatever we do, we’ve gotta make it harder, we’ve gotta make it better, we’ve gotta make it faster and we’ve gotta make it stronger. This new black friend of mine and I laughed a lot about this. Great person. Just a lovely guy, nice family.”
The African American community has really embraced Donald Trump. (Jeff Kowalsky/Getty Images)
HOLT: “What do you say to the African American users on your web…”
TRUMP: “I say nothing.”
HOLT: “Oh?”
TRUMP: “Lester, have you been to my page recently? Are we friends? I’ll tell you who I’m not friends with: Rosie O’Donnell. Just look at that profile picture. Sad! Listen, I’ve added a collage of Trump steaks to my ‘About Me’ section and an image of Vladimir Putin that leads to the official Trump University webpage when you click on it. Really, truly tremendous stuff happening there. I don’t see anything like that on that zero Zuckerberg’s website. And I don’t see a GIF of an American flag, either. Zuckerberg. BERG. Sound American to you? Sounds pretty Swedish to me. Maybe if all these other hack web entrepeneurs did some digging, we’d figure out where Zucko’s really from.”
HOLT: “Mr. Trump, if you’ll concede Facebook is a threat, how do you…”
TRUMP: “We have to destroy cyber. Law and order. I know lots and lots of smart people that are capable of this. I’ve got a plan better than anyone in the entire tech industry, and I don’t see anyone as smart as I am on crooked Zuckerberg’s friends list.”
HOLT: “Right but my question is…”
TRUMP: “We’re gonna make TrumpSpace great again. Does that answer your question?”
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