Anticipation has reached a fever pitch among hockey fans, as the countdown begins for the first annual World Cup of Hockey Mannequins.
Department stores and clothing outlets across the globe will be represented by the finest expressionless dummies the retail space has to offer in the eight-team tournament.
“We’re honored to be sending six of our finest models to the World Cup,” said Express CEO David Kornberg. “Endurance will be key. Some of our human-like figures are capable of standing statue still in leather boat shoes and skin-tight corduroys for months on end without flinching. I have no doubt they’ll represent us well.”
The United States will be relying heavily upon Archie, a 27-year-old veteran whose career began at MVP Sports in Saugus, Mass., back in the early ‘90s, where he held a soccer ball just outside of the shoe department from 1992 to 1997. After MVP Sports went out of business, Archie moved on to Dick’s Sporting Goods, where he now works part-time as a hockey-sock model while serving as the store’s mannequin union rep.
Team USA captain Archie often works two jobs to make ends meet. (Getty Images)
“Helluva freakin’ leader,” Dick’s manager Chris Barnsworth said of Archie, who also picks up hours at boat shows to support his family. “Every last one of us knows he’s past his prime, but he’s earned this shot at glory.”
On the other side of the coin is Sweden, a team that’s not just lacking leaders — it’s having trouble filling out its roster due to significant shipping issues with one of its top suppliers, IKEA.
“Sources have indicated to TSN that only nine players have been assembled in an anatomically-correct fashion, as per IIHF rules,” wrote Darren Dreger. “GM Peter Forsberg is furious. Sources close to the situation say the team is missing at least 74 dowels, 19 cam shafts and another 55 screws necessary to fully assemble their squad, and that the directions are about as useful as ‘those god damn human-traffic arrows throughout IKEA that nobody pays any attention to.’”
Just another average day at IKEA. (Getty Images)
Meanwhile in Canada, team captain Jonathan Toews knows that expectations are going to be through the roof. Toews could hardly hide his excitement when asked about the honor.
“Just gonna go out there and try my best,” said the all-too-life-like Toews. “One game at a time. Sixty minutes. Maybe more. One-hundred and ten percent. All that good stuff.”
Be sure to tune in to TSN 2 and MSNBC at 3:00 a.m. EST on Sept. 26 when the tourney begins.
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