Author’s Note: Funyuns is an entirely satirical column and should never be taken seriously.
LAS VEGAS — Is the NHL feeling lucky? Gary Bettman sure seems to think so.
Citing the “remarkable opportunity” for his league to stake its claim as the first professional sports franchise in Nevada, Bettman — NHL commissioner and integral part of the Las Vegas expansion movement — wasted no time in declaring the move “a chance to build upon Arizona’s success in the desert.”
“The NHL is ready to go all-in on the Las Vegas market, and we couldn’t be more excited to be the first major sport in that space,” an uncharacteristically elated Bettman said in a press conference prior to this year’s NHL Awards. “[Las Vegas majority owner] Bill Foley is a tremendous person, and I’m extremely confident the franchise will find the kind of success our league’s desert teams are accustomed to.”
When asked to elaborate on his comments, Bettman was unequivocal: “This is just like when we brought hockey to Phoenix. Hockey just belongs in the desert, and I think we’ve proven that again and again.”
“A lot of ways to measure success”
Critics of Bettman’s have been quick to point out that the Arizona (formerly Phoenix) Coyotes haven’t been all that successful, citing their middling attendance record, bankruptcy and unstable ownership situation. Further, the league’s “manifest destiny” approach to stashing teams in non-traditional markets — Dallas, Carolina and a combined five in Florida and California — gives the impression that the league is more stubborn than anything, doing everything in their power to keep teams where they are rather than admit things aren’t working. Bettman doesn’t want to hear it.
“There are a lot of ways to measure success. Is it about attendance? Not entirely. It’s not about how much money a team makes, or how often they make the playoffs, or how many big-name stars they have. Honestly, it’s not even about having a long, rich history. It’s about bringing the game to new audiences. It’s about giving people the kind of entertainment they deserve before they know they even want it.
“To that end, I think Las Vegas is going to be a tremendous success.”
Las Vegas expansion: Desert rose or desert woes?
Considering the seemingly quick and painless expansion process for Las Vegas, the franchise still faces several significant hurdles. The franchise still doesn’t have an identity, for starters. Its roster won’t be built until after the upcoming season. Perhaps most importantly, though, is the question of who will show up to games.
The NHL will soon call Las Vegas — and the state-of-the-art T-Mobile Arena — home. (Denise Truscello/Getty Images)
The city’s labor force is predominantly casino-based, meaning the kind of irregular hours that make consistent attendance a challenge. And that’s to say nothing of the competing entertainment options within a stone’s throw of T-Mobile Arena. Still, Foley is confident in his expansion team.
“If there’s one thing the NHL is familiar with, it’s going head-to-head against superior entertainment options — this is familiar territory,” Foley said in a recent statement. “So what if we’re up against Jersey Boys or Penn and Teller? The Winter Classic goes up against the Rose Bowl every year. Who cares if people want to gamble at one of our many fabulous casinos? People want to watch the NBA playoffs, too. It’s not just the die-hard fans that’ll make this team a success — it’s the casual fans we manage to sway away from other options.”
“Besides,” Foley continued, “the whole desert thing is a non-factor. People seem to think hockey won’t flourish in a barely-habitable hellhole, but Winnipeg seems to do pretty well, you know?”
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